transformational conflict

When it comes to making conflict transformational, it’s so important that we check our own heart. I’m indebted to Ken Dyck and his Freedom Session Participant’s Guide for the material I’m about to share with you.

Think about a particular tension that you are currently experiencing with another person. This could be a friend, a family member, someone in your church, a co-worker, a neighbour or someone else. I’d invite you to work through the following steps with this tension in mind.

Step #1 – Acknowledge Denial

How am I living in denial on this issue? Not am I, but how am I? This could include simple denial, blaming, passivity, intellectualizing, generalizing, minimization, diversion, hostility, dodging, rationalization, bargaining, excusing, attacking, and the list goes on. What is unmanageable and outside of my control with this issue? Why is this so difficult and even painful for me to acknowledge?

Step #2 – Identify Beliefs about Jesus

What do I believe about Jesus on this issue? Do I believe Jesus cares about this? Why or why not? Do I believe God can help me deal with this in a better way than I can? Why or why not? What kinds of things do I keep doing or thinking when this type of "stuff" happens in my life? How would a person who believes and feels that God cares about this pain or issue respond in this situation? How would a person who does not believe or feel that God cares about this pain or issue respond? What do I really believe about God on this issue? Why is it painful or difficult to believe God cares and can help me deal with this "stuff?" Am I willing to believe God cares about me in this issue and that He is able to help me?

Step #3 – Turn our Pain and Will Over to Jesus

Imagine that you’re in a group situation with people you’ve known for a long time. You notice that there’s tension and in fact, as you think about it, you recognize that there’s been this underlying tension for quite a while that sometimes erupts in heated interactions.

Whenever we feel this kind of tension, it’s important to identify the type of conflict. How important is this conflict? Where is the collision taking place? Is it simply around inconsequential opinions or are there deeper values, beliefs, and assumptions at play?

Bernard Mayer, in his book Staying with Conflict, identifies six types of interpersonal conflict.

Low-Impact Conflict

Low-impact conflict does not typically have long-term implications. Arguing over what kind of pizza to order is probably not going to be earth-shattering in most situations. With these kinds of conflicts, it’s helpful to recognize their trivial nature and not to engage in them as if they are more important than they are in reality. Of course, with any conflict, how we express ourselves can escalate the conflict and cause harm to others and to relationships within the group.

Latent Conflict

Latent conflict is conflict that is simmering below the surface. It’s something that you can usually sense, but are not sure what it’s all about. For example, you walk into a room filled with people and sense something is just off with the group dynamics. You can’t put your finger on where it’s coming from, but you know it’s there. For this type of conflict, Mayer says that the conditions out of which conflict could arise are present; they just haven’t manifested themselves as a presenting issue or event. As we encounter these kinds of situations, it’s important that we pay careful attention to group dynamics and even ask probing questions that begin to uncover the deeper issues that are causing the tension. 

Transient Conflict

We all love confronting people, right? What is it about confrontation that scares us so much? For me, I think it boils down to fear – fear of retaliation, fear the relationship will change, and just fear of emotionally charged situations that I can’t control.

How do we engage in a conflict situation in a healthy way that actually leads to transformed lives and relationships? My goal in conflict situations, at least when I finally come to my senses (sometimes I don’t!), is to recognize that the conflict poses an opportunity for transformation in myself, others, and relationships. At the very least, if we’re willing, transformation will happen in us. And that’s a win! We can’t control how other people will respond, but we can pray and position ourselves to receive what God has for us through the conflict.

You see, conflict is necessary. When we feel tension, we are usually motivated and sometimes highly motivated, to address the tension. We don’t do well with dissonance and will often go to great lengths to resolve it. In the process, we sometimes come up with new and better ideas, we learn about ourselves and experience transformation, and our relationships, because they are strained, cause us to grow in our love for the other person.

I love how John Paul Lederach describes the potential benefits of conflict in The Little Book of Conflict Transformation:

“Conflict flows from life. Rather than seeing conflict as a threat, we can understand it as providing opportunities to grow and to increase our understanding of ourselves, of others, and of our social structures. Conflicts in relationships at all levels are the way that life helps us to stop, assess, and take notice. One way to truly know our humanness is to recognize the gift of conflict in our lives.”

Did you catch that? Conflict is a gift. Lederach concludes, “Without it, life would be a monotonously flat topography of sameness and our relationships would be woefully superficial.”

Conflict is an essential part of life. Instead of viewing it as an intrusion or barrier, perhaps we should see it more as an opportunity to grow deeper in our relationship with God and others, and to develop qualities and practices that help us live more fully and serve others more effectively.