If you’re like me, you don’t naturally gravitate toward conflict. In fact, my inclination is to head for the hills when I see conflict brewing.

Yet, I’m learning that conflict represents an opportunity – an opportunity for transformation and growth. The crucible of conflict often refines ideas and character, and deepens relationships. Of course, conflict can also undermine, paralyze, and even destroy. So, what can we do to increase the chances that the conflicts we face become transformational? In this blog, I’ll present an overview of six steps for making conflict transformational, which I will then explore in greater depth in subsequent blogs.

Recognize that Conflict is Necessary

Just like our muscles need tension and resistance to stay healthy and become stronger, so we, as humans, need the kind of tension that conflict provides to grow and develop. Of course, conflict is not the only source of this kind of tension, but it does have a way of grabbing our attention.

Identify the Type of Conflict and the Factors that Influence the Intensity of the Conflict

What’s at stake here? Is this a, “What kind of pizza should we order?” kind of conflict or is it something more substantive? If it’s something serious, then what are the underlying causes of the conflict?  So often we try to deal with the surface tension and fail to address the deeper clashes around values, beliefs, and assumptions. As we peel away the layers, it’s important to recognize and manage the factors that can escalate or deescalate the tension.

Bathe the Situation in Prayer

I was 24 years old when I sat down in a counseller’s office for the first time. My fiancé was seated next to me and I remember studying the room in nervous anticipation for what would happen next. What do you talk about during premarital counselling?

The counsellor greeted us warmly and asked some questions that didn’t require much thought. But later, he probed a bit further and asked something that I was completely unprepared for. My fiancé had just explained how she felt loved and appreciated when I spent focused time with her. After listening intently, the counsellor turned to me and said, “and how does that make you feel, Keith?”

“How do I feel about what?” I asked.

“How does it make you feel knowing that Melissa feels loved when you spend time with her?”

How do I feel about how she feels? I thought to myself. I wasn’t sure what to say, but I mustered a confident, “Good,” and left it at that. In retrospect, I believe I said this more as a question than an answer, but I was too busy exhaling from my moment of vulnerability to notice.

"Good" isn't a feeling

“Good isn’t a feeling,” the counsellor quickly replied. “Tell me how you feel.”

Good isn’t a feeling? I thought. What’s that supposed to mean? I’ve been telling people I feel good for years.

“‘Good’ describes an object or a condition,” the counsellor explained. “It doesn’t express how you feel. I want to know how you feel.”

Forced into choosing a different word, I struggled to identify my actual emotion. But the counsellor was well prepared. He gave me a long list of emotions to look over and the options were greater than an eight-year-old’s Christmas list. That experience taught me that I was keenly unaware of my feelings. Suddenly equipped with hundreds of emotions to choose from, I discovered I had been using less than ten words to describe virtually every experience I had ever had.

My phone alarm goes off every afternoon at 1:05, serving as my daily reminder to pray for wisdom. The idea came from Mark Wessner, MB Seminary President, who chose the time because of its closeness to James 1:5 which says, "If anyone lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all and without finding fault, and it will be given to you." 

As this Scripture outlines, the first step toward acquiring wisdom is to ask for it. This implies, of course, an attitude of humility and dependence because we only ask for things we value and that are beyond our grasp. Praying for wisdom is an honest confession that greater insight and perspective is needed before we can act with proper understanding. This earnest request shows reverence for God from whom wisdom flows.

The wisest people I know are the same people who continually ask God for wisdom. And yet, those who need wisdom the most are the ones who despise it (Proverbs 1:7). This contrast goes beyond irony―it is the distinguishing mark between the foolish and the wise. The wise look beyond themselves, but the eyes of the foolish see only themselves.

Prayer is the foundation of wisdom, but there are additional steps we can take as well:  

Study the Bible

Wisdom flows from God's character and represents His knowledge and understanding. We encounter wisdom whenever we encounter God. Reading, reciting, and meditating on God's Word allows us to soak in God's thoughts so His perspective becomes our own.

The author of Proverbs 8 chooses to personify wisdom as the person of Lady Wisdom*. She raises her voice over the streets and invites people to listen to her instructions. Her words hold more value than choice gold or rare jewels (vv. 10-11). The implication of Lady Wisdom's call is to listen attentively. We do this by reading God's Word because God is the source of all wisdom.